Thoughts on 300+

Thoughts on 300+

I've been overweight since childhood. I've never been skinny, ever. 
 
I was 202lbs at my grade 8 graduation. 
I hit 237 in highschool before busting my butt and losing 40ish pounds. 
Between highschool and Haiti I spent many years in the 210- 230 range.
I got down to 185ish in 2008 after months and months of dieting, insane workouts and a bout with Malaria. (I gained the 10 Malaria pounds back pretty much immediately.)
I was 217 when I went to Texas for trauma counselling after the 2010 earthquake and started antidepressants.
I was 237 at my wedding in 2012.
I was 250 when I got pregnant with Jubilee in 2014 and 283 when I weighed in for the first time a few months postpartum in February 2015.
I was 250 when I got pregnant with Zander in 2018, and 293 the day he was born in March 2019. 
In the 16 months since having Zander instead of losing the baby weight I have managed to GAIN 24 pounds. Yes, GAIN. Bringing me to my all-time highest weight to 317. 

317 pounds is so much different than 250. 

I'm constantly winded. Nothing fits. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. I bump into things. I have no energy. I'm basically miserable. 

The most surprising part of it is how much I think about my weight, but not in the sense of how much I weigh. I think more about things like; can my butt fit in that seat, how embarrassing it would be to break a chair, how much I would love to soak in a tub where the water actually covered part of me, can other people here me huffing and puffing over here, how far things are and how many flights of stairs between point A and Point B. 

I don't like where I'm at. I'm working to not stay here long. 

I recently learned that the medication I had been taking for over 14 months to help my milk production with Zander was one of the causes of my weight gain, and inability to lose any weight. That was very frustrating, but also it felt so good to know I wasn't just a total failure. I've since gone off that medication and am working on weaning Zander. He's not so keen on this idea, but I need to be able to focus on losing this weight and getting my health back, plus he basically does gymnastics while attached to my boob so I'm ready! 

I wanted to document this stage of my journey, so hopefully in the future I can look back and say, "oh wow, I forgot about that!" or "Wow, look for far I've come." I also took some "before" pictures today. I've been doing a lot of research on weight loss and it's repeated everywhere to make sure to take lots of pictures along the way, it's also been mentioned multiple times to journal. So here we are. I'm working on me and trying to see a light at the end of this tunnel. It's a pinhole currently, but I'm staying focused on that pinhole hoping to take a few steps closer to that little light everyday. 


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