My Hope

Do you ever wonder what people really think about you? How they would describe you as a person to someone who doesn't know you. I feel like the way I see myself and the way others see me doesn't necessarily correlate. 

I often feel like a failure. Never enough in any of the many roles I fill, but consistent in my effort. Some days I exceed even my own expectations, and others I wonder how it's possible to accomplish so little. I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am at my core. The underlying person hood that makes up the pieces of me. Not the frazzled, exhausted, shell of me - but the deep inner world me. 

I want to be known for my mistakes, or more accurately for what I did with those mistakes. I want to recognize my failures, admit them openly, apologize genuinely, makes wrongs right and move forward better. I have messed up. Many times. Leaving hurt, broken people in my wake. I was so wrong, so many times. I hope I keep recognizing my past failures and reconciling those salutations to the best of my ability.    

I hope my children feel loved. Always. Loved for simply being. Loved for existing. I hope they never feel they have to earn my love. I pray for them that my love is so expected they completely take it for granted. 

I have been an awful terrible mother at times and made so many mistakes. I wish I could go back and start again, I would be so much better if I had a second chance. The things I thought were so important in those first years meant so little in the long run. What those little broken boys needed was open arms and an abundance of love. I loved them the best I could at the time. I know this. I just know now that if I could go back I would have hugged them way more.  

If the they say I was kind. I want to be known for being humble, and willing to admit when I've been wrong. I want to be known for my apologies and heartfelt effort to not repeat mistakes. 

If hope when my children are grown and reminisce on their childhood I hope they say I tried to connect with them, even though I obviously had no clue. I would love for them to sit around the table with their partners laughing at the many ways their mother tried to connect and how off the mark I sometimes was! I hope they know that I love them all equally but individually. I hope they feel known, heard and safe in my presence always. 

I want my friends to know that even during the years of exhausted silence I longed for them, longed for connection, longed to sit and brew tea, drink tea and spill tea for hours. I hope they feel my love, honour and respect for them. 

I want to be known as someone who tries. Tries to do good. Tries to help. Tries to ease the burden. Tries to love and create an environment of respect, love and equality. 

I want to be known as a deep feeler.