Healed or healing?
I sometimes wish we could be done talking about the Earthquake. I wish we could just move on. I wish that it could be done with, in the past tense, but the truth of the matter is that the Earthquake has become a part of who I am, who we all are here in Haiti.
As most of you know in April I was experiencing some pretty bad anxiety, still couldn’t sleep inside and was experiencing symptoms of PTSD. After a few months of therapy and rest in Texas I came back thinking I was “healed”. Adjusting back to life in Haiti has gone relatively smoothly. I am not going to lie, I have definitely had my ups and downs; there have been days I’ve felt overwhelmed or frustrated but my anxiety had been under control, until this weekend. I don’t know what changed or why all of a sudden I was losing control but for the past 5 days I have been having intense panic attacks numerous times every day. The attacks have been more intense and happening more frequently than ever before.
I did my best to keep this to myself. I was embarrassed and ashamed asking myself; Why am I still dealing with this? Why am I still waking up in the middle of the night thinking my bed is shaking? Why do I still jump every time something falls or bangs? Why am I having panic attacks again?
I went down for church just before 5:00 this evening; parked my truck, grabbed my bag and walked towards the church. When I turned the corner I stumbled upon a scene of complete chaos. There were probably 800 or so students running out of the high school. Some students were screaming, some crying, other still were sitting on the ground, as some were running for the front gate. One young woman covered in dirt and crying was being carried away by two other students. I ran to see what was going on. I heard the students saying that there had been another earthquake. I was confused because I hadn't felt anything. I looked over at the church to see if anyone there had reacted, I heard the band playing and could see people in the service. I was confused. Eventually I found Patris in the midst of the chaos; he explained that there had not been an earthquake but that one of the classes on the second floor had been let out early and as they ran down the stairs the students on the first floor felt the building shake and panicked, screaming as they ran for the door. This of course snowballed into the entire student body running for their lives, some even jumping off the balcony of the second story.
We had the teachers bring all the injured students into the library as I drove up the hill to get some members of the medical team here this week. There were a number of students with bloody knees, twisted ankles and bumps and bruises. The nurses were able to treat most of the students in the library and then send them on their way. We did have to bring 4 students up to the clinic to see the doctor. The most serious injury was a young man with a possible back injury. In the chaos he ended up pinned under a turned over school bench as other students climbed over him to get to the door. The other three students brought up had all fallen on their way out but were also having difficulty breathing and were pretty out of it. The ER room was hopping. As I ran between patients (as an interpreter) I noticed one of the girls starting to hyperventilate, I realized right away that she was having a panic attack. I was able to sit with her and talk her through it, slowing down her breathing and helping her stay calm, only because I knew exactly what she was feeling.
It was in that moment I realized that I am not the only one still dealing with the earthquake, we’re all traumatized, we’re all still dealing with it, we’re all still messed up and there is no shame in that. We can get through this together, no matter how long it takes.
Please continue to pray for Haiti, and those here serving.
Peace, love and an ongoing healing.
Rachel
p.s. The attached pictures are the aftermath of the chaos this evening.
As most of you know in April I was experiencing some pretty bad anxiety, still couldn’t sleep inside and was experiencing symptoms of PTSD. After a few months of therapy and rest in Texas I came back thinking I was “healed”. Adjusting back to life in Haiti has gone relatively smoothly. I am not going to lie, I have definitely had my ups and downs; there have been days I’ve felt overwhelmed or frustrated but my anxiety had been under control, until this weekend. I don’t know what changed or why all of a sudden I was losing control but for the past 5 days I have been having intense panic attacks numerous times every day. The attacks have been more intense and happening more frequently than ever before.
I did my best to keep this to myself. I was embarrassed and ashamed asking myself; Why am I still dealing with this? Why am I still waking up in the middle of the night thinking my bed is shaking? Why do I still jump every time something falls or bangs? Why am I having panic attacks again?
I went down for church just before 5:00 this evening; parked my truck, grabbed my bag and walked towards the church. When I turned the corner I stumbled upon a scene of complete chaos. There were probably 800 or so students running out of the high school. Some students were screaming, some crying, other still were sitting on the ground, as some were running for the front gate. One young woman covered in dirt and crying was being carried away by two other students. I ran to see what was going on. I heard the students saying that there had been another earthquake. I was confused because I hadn't felt anything. I looked over at the church to see if anyone there had reacted, I heard the band playing and could see people in the service. I was confused. Eventually I found Patris in the midst of the chaos; he explained that there had not been an earthquake but that one of the classes on the second floor had been let out early and as they ran down the stairs the students on the first floor felt the building shake and panicked, screaming as they ran for the door. This of course snowballed into the entire student body running for their lives, some even jumping off the balcony of the second story.
We had the teachers bring all the injured students into the library as I drove up the hill to get some members of the medical team here this week. There were a number of students with bloody knees, twisted ankles and bumps and bruises. The nurses were able to treat most of the students in the library and then send them on their way. We did have to bring 4 students up to the clinic to see the doctor. The most serious injury was a young man with a possible back injury. In the chaos he ended up pinned under a turned over school bench as other students climbed over him to get to the door. The other three students brought up had all fallen on their way out but were also having difficulty breathing and were pretty out of it. The ER room was hopping. As I ran between patients (as an interpreter) I noticed one of the girls starting to hyperventilate, I realized right away that she was having a panic attack. I was able to sit with her and talk her through it, slowing down her breathing and helping her stay calm, only because I knew exactly what she was feeling.
It was in that moment I realized that I am not the only one still dealing with the earthquake, we’re all traumatized, we’re all still dealing with it, we’re all still messed up and there is no shame in that. We can get through this together, no matter how long it takes.
Please continue to pray for Haiti, and those here serving.
Peace, love and an ongoing healing.
Rachel
p.s. The attached pictures are the aftermath of the chaos this evening.
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