Ripe Mango Chronicles

Future, once so longed for - so bright, so light, so free. What would she bring? The mystery as wide as open sea. But when Future came, she carried in scars buried deep, unseen. The bright? Not so. The light? Too dim. And freedom? Failed to be. Future’s days came weighted down, with darkness thick and wet. Self learned then she was not allowed, and quietly she hid. Confused, she cried, but to survive she knew she must be small, and fold herself into something less -  less than who she was meant to be. For Future stole the dreams Self held: of joy, of light, of love. Replaced them with a painted mask and heart grown heavy, hard. So Self wandered lost into the fog, and then she disappeared.

Do you ever wonder what people really think about you? How they would describe you as a person to someone who doesn't know you. I feel like the way I see myself and the way others see me doesn't necessarily correlate.  I often feel like a failure. Never enough in any of the many roles I fill, but consistent in my effort. Some days I exceed even my own expectations, and others I wonder how it's possible to accomplish so little. I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am at my core. The underlying person hood that makes up the pieces of me. Not the frazzled, exhausted, shell of me - but the deep inner world me.  I want to be known for my mistakes, or more accurately for what I did with those mistakes. I want to recognize my failures, admit them openly, apologize genuinely, makes wrongs right and move forward better. I have messed up. Many times. Leaving hurt, broken people in my wake. I was so wrong, so many times. I hope I keep recognizing my past failures and reconc...

I moved to Haiti in August 2006 as a young single woman fresh out of college with my rose coloured glasses firmly in place. These glasses went so well with my, “I’m here to make a difference” attitude. It was an exciting time!  I left Haiti in December 2016 utterly exhausted, with a broken spirit and layers upon layers of trauma. I had never imagined leaving Haiti so soon. I had planned to stay until I was ready to retire, but things got complicated. I started questioning whether I was willing to make the kind of sacrifices I had been making for a ministry whose focus had changed so drastically to things my conscience could not align with.  Leaving was hard, but also so good. My spirit, my faith, my trust in mankind was broken beyond repair, or so I thought. I left Haiti having no desire to ever return. Just the thought of returning caused panic to rise throughout my entire body, but I also knew not returning could deeply hurt those I left behind. I tried. I really tried to re...

K’BHAMM FAM CAMPING BLOG DAY -1 and 1 I finished work on Friday a little after 5:00 and immediately went into super packing mode. So much so that eventually I got the shakes from not eating and had to stop and scarf something down before I passed out. Shaking eventually stopped, moving on.  We can't forget Pickle Bottle  Jubilee’s bag completed using camping checklist (note to self add bonnet to her list). Zander’s bag completed using camping checklist. (added in a few extras of everything because Zander gets DIRTY!!) Zander asked repeatedly, “are we going camping today?” To which I responded every time, “No, we’re going camping tomorrow.” At this point I went grocery shopping with our giant list. Items I forgot:  -Alfredo sauce -bacon -eggs -hotdogs Upon my return Kenol went to get a few things he needed that were not on the master list and to fill in the gaps from my list. Items he forgot:  -bacon -hotdogs I packed for hours and eventually dropped into bed knowing ...

"Our problem is not that we desire too much, but too little." C.S. Lewis We began looking to buy a house in Canada in 2017. Anyone who lives in the Niagara Region knows it was around this time the market was heating up. (It was since exploded - we had no idea what was coming.) We met with a mortgage broker and figured out what we could even qualify for, and then assessed how much we thought we could actually afford and had our price range. After weeks of house searching we came to the conclusion that the best case scenario in our price range would be a semi-detached home (duplex) with 3 bedrooms. My dream home would also have a second washroom, or at least a half bath, and room in the basement for the boys to make into their area. Even if it wasn't a traditional bedroom.  Honestly, I wasn't dreaming very big but I felt I was being realistic. A family of 7 in a 3 bedroom home obviously isn't ideal, but I figured we would do out best to make it work.  As we continue...

I had been a missionary in Haiti for a few years, when the opportunity to join another fellow missionary family on a week long all inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic with some of the other single girls we worked with. I JUMPED at the opportunity. There was just one problem the only clothing I had were my boring old missionary clothes. Absolutely not suitable for an evening at the resort disco or a fancy dinner at one of the resort restaurants.   On the drive from our home in Titanyen, Haiti to the resort in the Dominican Republic we were amazed at how different the Dominican was from Haiti, and how modern some areas were. Especially as we got closer to the resort. We made up our minds, that we would HAVE to do some shopping, and soon!  One of my fellow missionary friends and I made some Haitian/Dominican friends and talked them into escorting us on a shopping trip. We paid one of their friends to drive us around and we had so much fun. We went to this one store that...

Am I living like I mean it? I sometimes imagine what people would say at my funeral, how many people would come and who. Would they say I lived a life of intention? That I lived a life that meant something and impacted people? Anytime I hear someone say, "so-and-so makes you feel like the most important person in the world when you're around them" I immediately think, "I want to do that!" I want people to feel like they have my undivided attention and that they are the most important person to me. I want to give people my undivided attention. I want my attention to be undivided. There probably isn't one person who feels like this is my presence. I feel like there isn't a moment in my life where my attention isn't half on what I'm doing and half on what I need to be doing next. I feel like there is never a moment in my life these days where I can truly just be present in the moment. I'm in a constant state of rushing from one task to the next....

I remember leaving my home filled with a sense  of adventure, excitement, and anticipation. I had been in Haiti about 6 months at this time and have planned a Saturday morning adventure to hike to the ocean along the foot path into the village of Simonette for the very first time. A backpack full of water and snacks and a heart filled with hopes and dreams I set out down the hill to meet my friend. It was as though the world was brighter this day, the long grass swaying in the gentle wind. We stumbled across a few items that looked so out of place under the shade of a lonely tree. My Haitian friend explained someone had come here to perform a voodoo ceremony and these items were the remnants of what had taken place. He kicked the items out of the path and as we continued our hike he told me stories of how his father had taken him to see voodoo priests many times as a child, and how when he was 13 he had to take a drink out of a glass bottle filled with what he assumed were human te...

  Merry Christmas from our house to yours, 2021 was a year marked with loss for our family. We lost 6 family members within the first 8 months of the year. The 6 th death being my Auntie Helen. This one was the most difficult for me personally. Most of you will know my Auntie Helen played a major role in all aspects of our extended family life.  We viewed her as the matriarch of the BHAMM  Family. Her loss hit hard, especially as her passing came on the heels of so many other deaths. Our only consolation is that she passed surrounded by her loved ones. We stood around her bed, shared our favourite memories and listened to her favourite songs during her final moments. I’m thankful we could be there to send her off in this way, but also to support Mom, Jason, Christine and Uncle Kwai during this painful time.   Despite the heartache we all experienced the circle of life continues. Thanksgiving weekend our family celebrated a major event – the wedding of my cousi...

Alright friends. It’s been a minute since I’ve written, and by “a minute” I mean, I haven’t written anything worth anything since we left Haiti 4 and a half years ago. The writing process is therapeutic, and Lord help me, I need some therapy right now. So here we go. It’s officially time to process the dumpster fire that has been the Covid-19 experience in Ontario, Canada.   Today’s topic of discussion is the dreaded pivot. To be clear, “Pivot” is a fancy word used by politicians that means flip flopping back and forth between two completely different forms of education, both sides of which hold heavy and sometimes debilitating consequences. For the record, I am not here to say which side I think is the right one. I’m just here to tell you my story.  So let's go back to the beginning.    The world starts hearing about this thing called the Coronavirus. It feels very far away, and to be honest I didn’t pay too much attention. This Coronavirus begins spreading and ...

Merry Christmas to you and yours, What a year this has been for us all. Zander is just a few months shy of 2 years old already. He weighed in at 35lbs at his last doctors visit and is wearing size 3T and even some 4T now. He’s quite the chatter box and loves nothing more than spending time with his big brothers in the man cave downstairs or playing just about anything with Jubilee. He started daycare in October and is proving to be just as social as Jubilee. He puts his backpack on and stands at the door saying, “Bye momma, bye dadda.” every morning trying to hurry us along before he’s even had his breakfast. Jubilee just turned 6 and continues to be her bubbly self. She LOVES school and after school care where she has free reign over the art supplies and spends time each day after school making beautiful creations. Her creativity and real artistic talent blow me away constantly. She started French immersion this year and loves her new school. She has also informed us that she has a bo...

Thoughts on 300+ I've been overweight since childhood. I've never been skinny, ever.    I was 202lbs at my grade 8 graduation.  I hit 237 in highschool before busting my butt and losing 40ish pounds.  Between highschool and Haiti I spent many years in the 210- 230 range. I got down to 185ish in 2008 after months and months of dieting, insane workouts and a bout with Malaria. (I gained the 10 Malaria pounds back pretty much immediately.) I was 217 when I went to Texas for trauma counselling after the 2010 earthquake and started antidepressants. I was 237 at my wedding in 2012. I was 250 when I got pregnant with Jubilee in 2014 and 283 when I weighed in for the first time a few months postpartum in February 2015. I was 250 when I got pregnant with Zander in 2018, and 293 the day he was born in March 2019.  In the 16 months since having Zander instead of losing the baby weight I have managed to GAIN 24 pounds. Yes, GAIN. Bringing me to my all-time highest weight to...